#humor

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."

"Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth."

"Remorse among Thieves When a caught thief shows remorse he says to himself,"I knew I should pull off that heist differently."

"And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke..."

"pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!"

"Overheard at McDonalds "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.Are you going to finish those fries?"

"I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money."

"Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor."

"He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer."

"Holly's theory about the army,"Sharon explained.And what is it?"Denise asked, intrigued.Oh, that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them."

"Wit and puns aren't just decor in the mind; they're essential signs that the mind knows it's on, recognizes its own software, can spot the bugs in its own program."

"Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."Eddie DeChooch"

"Retail [10w] The first and last sale of the day are best."

"If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate."

"I had a dream about you. You took a cruise, and I took a canoe. I paddled alongside your ship out into the Atlantic Ocean and down to the Caribbean. I shouted “I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time."

"I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."

"...you're either gonna spend your life fucking pussy, or taking it to church."

"I'm Not Skidaddling Down That Slippery Slope First you let sleeping dogs lie,next you allow all pets to prevaricate."