#humor

"Show Up [10w] I've waited for you all my life ~show up already!"

"The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"I made a cauldron of coffee, and I was thinking we could chug it and then teach each other how to dance by using the bottom of a floating canoe as a ballroom."

"He smiled. "How kind of you to confirm what I already know. Perhaps next you will introduce me to myself. I hear I am quite popular."

"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."

"If you see me pushing a wheelbarrow full of animal balloons up a hill, it may be a Zen koan, or it may be buy two get a third for FREE."

"They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps."

"Let’s get romantic and head to bed and make meatloaf all night long. I’ll wear my Ben Bernanke beard, because it fits me like a fur coat."

"Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again."

"CONJUGATE THIS:I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."

"The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away."

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."

"Mongolian, Temeenii'malgai The small fuzzy hat worn by camels that cross the Gobi desert. Usually stolen by natives of Ulaanbaatar for the groom's hat at weddings. The fuzz on the hat smells so bad that the groom is temporarily blinded and can't see how ugly the bride looks until it's too late."

"I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy."