#humor

"I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain."

"All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having."

"If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten"

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

"Mercy vs. Revenge "May God have mercy on my unfaithful, back-stabbing, adulterous husband because I sure as hell won't."

"Man, you weigh a freaking ton,"he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?""Why, is your head missing some?"I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been"

"It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners."

"I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward."

"I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed to picking up on political rhetoric."

"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."

"We have to be back in three hours,"Ronan said. "I just fed Chainsaw but she'll need it again.""This,"Gansey replied "is precisely why I didn't want to have a baby with you."

"You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony."

"Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass."

"Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you?"

"FEAR stands for fuck everything and run."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."