#humor

"Put it All on Black' [10w] God doesn't play dice with the universe;He prefers roulette."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.""I was ninety percent sure.""I see,"Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain."What the hell was that for?""The other ten percent."

"The Tigger Journals [10w] "Honestly, I'd rather be alone than with that unbearable Winnie-the-Pooh."

"Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god."

"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."

"You've got an awfully kissable mouth."

"The ultimate weapon is Lady Gaga’s music. Why kill the enemy when you can play her music and they’ll want to kill themselves?"

"In the end, everything is a gag."

"Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?"

"My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets."

"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book."

"Prickly Pears [10w] Men are often like cactus fruits ~thorny outside,mushy inside."

"I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear."

"Speak to the Head [10w] + {Couplet} Tis of no fucking availTo speak to the tail."

"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."

"It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health."

"Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?"Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark."

"Say No to Drugs Commercials The image of an egg sizzling in a frying pan is not your brain on drugs.It's just a fucking omelet."

"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."