"Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him."
"Humor is just another defense against the universe."
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know."
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."