"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"Humor is just another defense against the universe."
"I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know."
"Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him."
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."