For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, ju... - Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit

"You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?"

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be."

"I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can."

"I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same."