I realized women and humor were linked very closely. - Craig Ferguson

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."

"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps."