"My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks."
"The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons."
"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."
"I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met."
"All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments."
"When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard."