"You think maybe if you just work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you’re changing a patio light bulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you’ll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you’ll be dead."
"trichloroethane [...] All my extensive testing has shown this to be the best treatment for a dangerous excess of human knowledge"
"The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress."
"In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor."
"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die."
"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die."