"I cry, but not for myself. There’s too much sadness in this world to waste a moment with self-pity, when making others smile will also make me smile."
"Despite his last name, I’ll bet Johnny Cash never had an inflated ego, or needed a wheelbarrow full of last name to go shopping."
"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."
"Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not."
"If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker."
"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."