The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a s... - Jarod Kintz, American Association for the Advancement of Aardvarks Presents: Dear Natalie

"If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world."

"The best birthday present I ever got from my grandpa was a skinny black tie. It didn’t come in a bag, a box, or even rolled up in tissue paper. It came wrapped in wisdom. As soon as he gave it to me he said, “A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him. That‘s why I bought you a black one."

"Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don't consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone."

"With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich."

"If you want to know my story, you have to go back to the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning, but about nine months later. You see, I was born as a poor farm boy. Believe it or not, my parents were so poor that they didn’t even own a farm. Nope. Instead, they had to live in a small apartment in the city."