funny

"Drunken men give some of the best pep talks."

"You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!"

"My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person."

"Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy."

"Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)"

"Always drink upstream from the herd."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. "Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.""I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake.""That's not how you spell it."At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. "There's no T in itchin'."Or not."

"She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I'm pretty sure that's flirting."

"Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden."

"If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you"

"I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it."

"What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?"

"If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs)."

"Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers."

"I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead."

"I lost a horse today.''That sounds careless. What happened?''She jumped off a cliff.''A cliff! Is that normal?"