funny

"You look angry,"he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me,"she said very, very slowly, "on hold."

"Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here."

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

"A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat."

"Does it hurt?”He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. “Only when I laugh.”“I’ll try not to be funny.”“Epic fail, beautiful."

"I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay."

"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!"

"Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel."

"People won't buy study guides for a dollar, but they will pay 100 dollars for test answers. A ‪#startup‬‬‬‬ should keep this mentality in mind."

"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."

"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."

"I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?"

"Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

"Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time."[...]"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session.""Oh yeah?"I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then.""It's always a good a time to think about you naked,"added someone nearby, breaking the tension further."

"The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago."

"Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?"

"Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles."

"If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads."