Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do i... - Dave Barry

"The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida."

"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."