"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings."
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
"The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter."
"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."