Dave Barry

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."

"Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing."

"Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?"

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings."

"The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter."

"The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida."

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."

"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."