For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. A... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"I have a doctorate degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I studied door-to-door salesmanship. This was before the doorbell was invented."

"I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself."

"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."