Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me."

"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."

"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."

"I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine."

"I'm about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. Like a true hustler."

"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."

"I'm hanging on to her memory like Spanish moss on an ancient Florida oak, and unlike the sunset, my love won't fade."

"I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character."

"You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time."

"Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by."

"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through."

"Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away."

"She was a tall drink of water from Tallahassee, and I was an instant-coffee kind of lover. I got her so hot that neither one of could go to sleep until the ambulance finally came to a complete stop."

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"I should combine a car bumper with a belt, for a fashion accessory that’s safe for office romances. Powdered love poetry sold separately."

"Everything I’ve learned about handshakes is from hands-on experience. Due to hygiene, I only network with rubber glove manufacturers."