Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today."

"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."

"I'm hanging on to her memory like Spanish moss on an ancient Florida oak, and unlike the sunset, my love won't fade."

"My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long."

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock."

"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."

"Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup."

"The sunset sky fades from blue to orange over Gainesville, Florida, and what I lost is less than what I gained. I gained love, I lost love, and if could do it all again, I would."

"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."

"Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well, at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees."

"I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?"

"To show you I love you, I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it."

"I'm hanging on to her memory like Spanish moss on an ancient Florida oak, and unlike the sunset, my love won't fade."

"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."

"Love now, not later. Also, love later."

"I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it."

"I’m passionate about being compassionate. It takes a lot to give of yourself, and that’s why it’s such a gift—for both the recipient and the giver."

"The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song."

"The sunset sky fades from blue to orange over Gainesville, Florida, and what I lost is less than what I gained. I gained love, I lost love, and if could do it all again, I would."