"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."
"To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients."
"Between Portland and Seattle is a mint factory, and they made sweets like we made sweet love, and America needs more manufacturers like us."
"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."
"Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff."