"I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net."
"Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth."
"I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face."
"I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job."
"I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, “Look at the size of his Naples!"
"I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you'll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life."