#Funny

"A chance meeting in a Kansas City coffee shop may take me months of planning and twice a day visits for over a year. But I already have my stunned, surprised, and shocked speech rehearsed for the moment I act like I had no idea she would be there."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer."

"When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"Any good humor is sophomoric. 'Sophomoric' is the liberal word for funny."

"The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."

"I’ve got a way with love. Away with love."

"This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!"

"Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines."

"Hey, princess of Popsicles! Queen of curlicue cones."

"I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time."

"With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich."

"She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble."

"I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost a minute, so you and I spent two minutes looking for it."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."