#Funny

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned"

"Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."

"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!"

"sometimes when everything seems atits worstwhen all conspiresand gnawsand the hours, days, weeksyearsseem wasted – stretched there upon my bedin the darklooking upward at the ceilingi get what many will consider anobnoxious thought:it’s still nice to beBukowski."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care."Woman?""Hmmm?""What's your name?""Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse.""Thank you, Sookie.""Welcome, Eric."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."

"They call me, The Sharkalator"

"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."

"I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net."

"I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires."

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"Puns are the highest form of literature."

"Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too."

"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."