I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think... - Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late—they’re not even coming!"

"I want to write a book on sex. It will be filled with phrases like "Uuuhgh yeeeaaaah,"and "Ooooh that's it,"and "Whose hands are those?"

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face."