If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld

"It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

"Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here."