Jerry Seinfeld

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here."

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

"It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it."

"I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done."

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"