"I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done."
"Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it."
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
"Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst."
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here."