"I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer."
"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."
"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."
"I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers."
"I’m hungry for success. And lasagna."
"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."