Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."

"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."

"Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!"

"I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer."

"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."

"She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible."

"My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides."