"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"
"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achieve it. And while I wait, I may as well get busy being short-tempered."
"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."
"The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out."
"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."