"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."
"If you don't think you need to develop your personal brand, my advice for you comes in the wisdom of two road signs: STOP; DEAD END."
"A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes, I am an adrenaline junky."
"I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something that the average high school senior can’t even read."
"I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future."
"I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed to picking up on political rhetoric."