"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."
"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."
"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."
"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."
"Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away."
"Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover."