"A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors."
"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."
"I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also how I make love. I should probably sell popcorn at my shows to boost revenue."
"A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment."
"The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage."
"I need to take loving to the extreme, as if it were a sport requiring a helmet and parachute. I wonder if @redbull would sponsor me."