"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."
"My dreams died nine months before I was born"
"I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer."
"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."
"I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted."
"Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch."