More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I’ve got a nice racket going. I make tennis ball swatters. My favorite score is love all. That’s also how I live my life."
"Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work."
"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."
"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."
"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."