I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather g... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."

"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."