I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather g... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead."

"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."