I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yours... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."

"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."