"When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead."
"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."
"The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it."
"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."
"I believe I believe I can succeed, and this belief is the foundation for my belief."
"I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers."