"When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead."
"My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you."
"If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to."
"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."
"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."
"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."