I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to s... - Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

"I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live."

"I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red."

"I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you'll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life."