I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more ro... - Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."

"I lost my faith in my faithlessness. I believe I’m a nonbeliever now."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."