Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady."

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."

"If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious."

"A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary."

"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."