Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am."

"When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."

"If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool!"

"I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police."

"Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love."

"I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems."

"The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick."

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."

"I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again."

"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"I hate when women give me that look. That overlook."

"Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three thermoses to contain it. And if it did get contained, would you drink my love black, or would you add cream and sugar?"