Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

"Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees)"

"If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious."

"I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love."

"I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention."

"Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump."

"Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it"

"I lost my faith in my faithlessness. I believe I’m a nonbeliever now."

"My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?"

"I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can."

"The sunset faded and blended from pink to peach to mango in a smoothie in the sky. For as long as she doesn’t love me, I will love her."

"I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?"

"Our love was covered in fur, yet I was the only one who wanted to pet it."

"At the age of four, I wanted to be eight. At the age of eight, I wanted to be 16. At the age of 16, when I started driving, I wanted to be a Ferrari. And now, at the age of middle, I want to be Stalin’s mustache and matching armpit hair. But only for personal reasons, not political."

"About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home."

"You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system."

"When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu."

"I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert."