"If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base."
"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."
"Being a waiter is a waste of time, because think of all that waiting. But it’s better than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, because if you’re going to wait around, you might as well get paid for it."
"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."
"My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body."
"A love story in six words: Hello. Goodbye. In between was marriage."