"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents."
"I belong, and my penis, it be long."
"All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions."
"I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin."
"As soon as you cross the county line into where all the wealthier people live, the weather is suddenly sunnier and warmer. Even at night."