"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."
"Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future."
"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."
"2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom."
"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."
"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."