"In today's classroom everybody wins a trophy, even the one kid who actually won. Soon it will be, let's punish that kid for making the other kids feel like losers."
"I watch you like a mirror, because I see in you what I see in myself. Who we love is a reflection of who we are."
"She bats her eyelashes like I’m throwing baseballs at them. I must be as romantic as Pete Rose’s last name."
"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."
"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."
"I cry, but not for myself. There’s too much sadness in this world to waste a moment with self-pity, when making others smile will also make me smile."