#kids

"Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God."

"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."

"The only love that I really believe in is a mother’s love for her children."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about."

"In today's classroom everybody wins a trophy, even the one kid who actually won. Soon it will be, let's punish that kid for making the other kids feel like losers."

"A child’s imaginary playmate just might actually be there."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"You know all that sympathy that you feel for an abused child who suffers without a good mom or dad to love and care for them? Well, they don't stay children forever. No one magically becomes an adult the day they turn eighteen. Some people grow up sooner, many grow up later. Some never really do. But just remember that some people in this world are older versions of those same kids we cry for."

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

"I have a passion for teaching kids to become readers, to become comfortable with a book, not daunted. Books shouldn't be daunting, they should be funny, exciting and wonderful; and learning to be a reader gives a terrific advantage."

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"Our children are only as brilliant as we allow them to be."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"I would rather my descendants have greater abilities and a greater knowledge of the love of Christ than I do, much like standing on one's shoulders in order to get a clearer view of the valley."

"Have faith that your child's brain is an evolving planet that rotates at its own speed. It will naturally be attracted to or repel certain subjects. Be patient. Just as there are ugly ducklings that turn into beautiful swans, there are rebellious kids and slow learners that turn into serious innovators and hardcore intellectuals."

"Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place."