#kids

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"A child’s imaginary playmate just might actually be there."

"There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about."

"We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life?"

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"The only love that I really believe in is a mother’s love for her children."

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal."

"I would rather my descendants have greater abilities and a greater knowledge of the love of Christ than I do, much like standing on one's shoulders in order to get a clearer view of the valley."

"Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God."

"I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway... let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves."

"I have a passion for teaching kids to become readers, to become comfortable with a book, not daunted. Books shouldn't be daunting, they should be funny, exciting and wonderful; and learning to be a reader gives a terrific advantage."

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

"Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place."

"when we were kidslaying around the lawnon ourbellieswe often talkedabouthowwe'd like todieandwe allagreed on thesamething;we'd alllike to diefucking(althoughnone of ushaddone anyfucking)and nowthatwe are hardlykidsany longerwe think moreabouthownot todieandalthoughwe'rereadymost ofuswouldprefer todo italoneunder thesheetsnowthatmost ofushave fuckedour livesaway."