More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."
"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."
"The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you.""Oh my God,"I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me."
"As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign."
"She said, “I’m having the stairs rebuilt,” and I replied, “No need to get sexual with me.” I’m a bring my own elevator kind of lover anyway."