More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."
"String several words together in a sentence and you have a language necklace. My I love you would look great with your favorite red dress."
"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"
"I fish the old-fashioned way—with dynamite and screen doors for nets. Don’t be rude—knock before entering the kill zone."