"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."
"I just bought a bag of poetry, but it was mostly air. The author must have learned from the potato chip industry."
"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."
"People don't care what I wear or don't wear, and even if I don't wear anything people will cover for me if they know that I care about them."
"Our love went from fly to flower to butterfly, and it was meant to beautifully flutter, not sit still on a shelf like a trophy to be collected."
"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."