"Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family."
"The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?"
"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."
"I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there."
"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."
"I like eating extra-virgin coconut oil. That’s like super non-fucked coconut oil."