"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."
"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."
"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."
"Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes."
"I kissed a mystery, and it tasted like a woman. Lips are always full of delicious secrets."
"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."