More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A writer used to live life like Julius Seizure: I came, I saw, I queried. Now you can take control of your consciousness and self-publish."
"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."
"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."